Telephone Line/ELO

I remember Friday nights (mis-?)spent with friends making prank phone calls; has *69 rendered such activities obsolete? And where have all the phone booths gone? No more giggling masses crammed into them to discuss all-important nothings with an absent friend. And what about scary movies of yore – like that one where the police phone the babysitter to inform her that the heavy breather is telephoning from the house she’s in – that today’s kids find laughably ridiculous? And whatever happened to E.L.O. and songs like Telephone Line?

Stand by Your Man/Tammy Wynette

I’ve never been a country music lover. The big hair and sequins distract from the lyrics. Although maybe that’s a good thing. Why the hell should I stand by my man if he’s screwing someone else? It would be better to hide a big knife in my big hair and stab him with it when he creeps back one cold and lonely night.* Why settle for country when you can have opera?

*I’d like to point out that I’m a firm believer in non-violence. It’s only my writing persona that is slightly psychotic.

Dueling Banjos

I’m not sure what makes bluegrass bluegrass, but I believe that a banjo is mandatory. Here’s a feisty one fighting it out with a guitar, from a 1972 movie that probably caused a lot of men to think twice about going on a canoeing trip with their buddies.

Sonatine Bureaucratique/Erik Satie

Classical music generally tends to be serious stuff with serious titles like Concerto #3 in D Minor or Opus 11 Movement 1. Erik Satie, on the other hand, wrote pieces like Genuine Flabby Preludes (for a dog) and Dried up Embryos. He also wrote text to accompany his scores, like this.

The Rabbit of Seville

I think opera needs to be seen and not just heard. I don’t enjoy listening to it, but going to see an opera is on my “to do before I die list.” Here’s an opera performance I enjoyed watching as a child.

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald/Gordon Lightfoot

I like folk music, and I like Gordon Lightfoot. But for some reason I hate this song. I know it’s about a tragic event in Canadian shipping history, but I still hate it. I know it reached #2 on the charts, but I still hate it. One standup comedian suggested playing it at parties when you’re trying to get everyone to go home.

Good Riddance/Green Day

I know nothing about punk rock, but I have opinions about it anyways. Too loud. Too confrontational. I was listening to this the other day though, and was surprised to learn it's by a group that falls under the punk rock banner, although apparently they are considered “pop punk”, which sounds much fluffier (and makes me think my musical tastes are too) than “post-punk,” “anarcho-punk,” "Hardcore punk" or “Oi!”.

Blue Monk/Thelonius Monk

I was at a chanting workshop once, led by a woman who used to be a jazz musician in New York. Her initial reaction to chanting was that it was idiotic and boring: strings of simple sounds repeated over and over. She’s since become a chanting convert, and now thinks of jazz as “mind vomit.” If you feel the same way, you should have a large mental barf bag handy as you listen to this.

Elephant Talk/King Crimson

And talking about elephants: Murphy’s Oil Soap is used to clean elephants. Vasectomies and immuno-contraception are used to control the elephant population in parts of Africa. Elephants are the only mammal other than humans that can stand on their head. By flapping its ears, an elephant can lower its blood temperature by 5 degrees Celsius (9 degrees Farenheit). Due to a process of unnatural selection, elephant tusks are getting smaller and smaller, and about 30% of elephants are now tuskless.

Plastic Bags

I remember an essay question from grade school: “Which would most bother you: the death of an elephant at the local zoo, or the death of 20 million Africans?” Most people picked the elephant. I guess we’re not good at processing large numbers. As a test, try fathoming this: Ontario shoppers take home 7 million plastic bags a day, and the US discards 100 billion of them a year. We’re like some giant raptor that gorges on plastic, then shits from our lofty heights on the rest of the earth.

Coconut/Cover by The Muppets

The only trivia I remember from Trivial Pursuit is that falling coconuts are the leading cause of death on Samoa. I hope I don’t experience a humorous demise; mourners should grieve, not giggle. On the other hand, maybe laughing at death isn't such a bad thing. If I’m killed by an errant coconut, please play this at my funeral.

Bicycle Song/Red Hot Chili Peppers

In my next life, I’m going to study anthropology and use California as the subject of my dissertation. I just heard that they’ve introduced valet parking for bicycles. How wacky yet loveable is that? I wonder if one day they’ll have bike limos, complete with chauffeur and mini-bar?

The Bicycle Song

Stay Awhile/The Bells

Does this song tug on your heart strings, or do you find it disturbing? I know it’s probably meant to be about teenagers indulging their hormones, but all that creeping, peeping and quivering, and that high-pitched breathy voice, conjure up visions of an older man sidling into a young girl’s room.

The Bills

I was going to say that The Bills – who used to be known as The Bill Hilly Band but I guess that had too many syllables – are great, but someone else said it more eloquently and with more syllables:

"The biggest blast of fresh air to come out of Canada since The Band, the Bills present bucketfuls of good stuff: bustling bluegrass, hillbilly symphonies, gypsy-swinging virtuosity, harmony-rich sea chanties, some great new songs and shades of Cajun, country dance and La Bottine Souriante's Quebecois brilliance."

They don’t appear to have made it to Youtube, but if you go here and click on one of the albums (are they still called that?), you can hear some samples.

Joel Plaskett/Come on Teacher

I don’t know much about Joel Plaskett, but every time I turn on the CBC I seem to hear his name. Here’s what I’ve gleaned from my online sources: he’s a Van Halen freak, and his music is “not complex, but it’s solid, fun and catchy as hell.”

Come on Teacher

A Poodle in Paris/Connie Kaldor

Connie Kaldor is a Canadian folk singer-songwriter who pens quirky songs like A Poodle in Paris. This provides a forum for peculiar people with a penchant for wearing puffy wigs (British judges and lawyers, for example) to post oddball videos on Youtube.